Pressing questions about last night’s Oscars:

Angie: dress was meh, hair was kinda large, but the earrings were gorgeous.

But can someone please explain to me the physics of such a pair of earrings?  How have her ears not stretched into floppy loops from the sheer weight?

Then we have Nicole Kidman, who honored Angie for her best actress nod. (P.S. I loved that format, of having 5 actors introduce the acting nominees.  Even if it took a long time, and even if it was, as I suspect, simply a device that made it possible to say some kind and reflective things about Heath Ledger when announcing his name, I loved it.  I hope they keep it.)

I love that Nic rocks the fair skin and doesn’t get all fake tanned, (though the Botox is a whole ‘nother story) but why, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, has no stylist convinced her that she should not wear clothes that make her look like Casper?

The dress is probably lovely, it’s just hard to tell because all I see up there is pale.

Nextly, what is up with the random young actresses, (it’s sort of unclear to me how they got invited in the first place), dressing themselves in wackadoodle, voluminous gowns?  You are young! And have cute figures!  Why do you insist on drowning in weird fabric-scuplture?

Exhibit A:

Amanda Seyfried, if your goal was to make us forget that you were in Mama Mia and Big Love by looking so much like the ditz you played in Mean Girls congratulations! You succeeded!

Exhibit B:

Miley, are those…fish scales?  Seashells?  WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?

Finally, and this is the most burning question of all:  Why the hell was I subjected to so much of Zac Efron last night?  And if ABC was going to take advantage of being the network home for the Oscars by trotting out their bankable teen hunk, would it  have been so hard for someone to teach the kid how to do his hair?

I mean, seriously.  Ew.