It seems I have a problem dressing properly. Specifically, I have no idea how to do it.

We are headed to Oklahoma for a family wedding this weekend, and aside from it being very windy, I don’t quite know what to expect, and more specifically, what to wear. (Yes, even though I went to a different family wedding in Tulsa two short years ago. I have a bad memory, okay? And at that wedding, I was so distracted by the groom’s alarming tan that I blocked out all other useful information.)

This wedding weekend will include four different events at country clubs in the course of 2 days. FOUR. And as I learned last time, Tulsa is decidedly the south, not the midwest, which means it is fancier and they have “etiquette” there and I will have to dress appropriately and oh my god I don’t even have four different southern country club-appropriate outfits in my closet.

My mother was no help. (“I’m just wearing my linen pantsuit! Why don’t you just wear yours?” Um, because I don’t own one. I would strongly prefer to keep it that way.)

So I did what any modern woman would do and turned to The Google. “Dear Google,” I asked. “What should I wear to a rehearsal dinner at a country club?”

“This!” says Google.

Um, really? Doesn’t that seem a little, uh, non-subtle for the rehearsal dinner? “Hey groom! If you’re tired of waiting for your wedding night with your wife, check ME out!” Maybe I could wear a slip underneath. Yeah, that’s it. I’m on board.

Next up: “Dear Google,” I asked again. “What in god’s name should I wear to a ‘casual wedding day brunch’ that is being held at a country club where I know for a fact that men are required to wear jackets and ties to dine, even in the daytime?”

“Shiny brocade curtains as a dress, obviously,” says The Google

Right. Okay. Will work on that. I have a shift dress from a suit that I can probably spray paint or spackle or something to look shiny and patterned. Check.

The big one: “What is the right thing to wear for an ‘almost black tie’ (seriously, that is how was described) wedding taking place at a storied, fancy, old-school, debutante-loving, southern southern southern country club?”

“Duh,” says The Google.

Okay, I get it, a long dress is a smart move and the black accessories with a floral dress are a little hip and unexpected, but I have to be candid, Google, I’m a little worried about how that hat is going to fare in a suitcase. Also, my super short black gloves are at the cleaner. Do you think I could substitute weightlifting gloves instead?

And finally, our last event: the sendoff brunch. Google, help me: “What, pray tell, is appropriate for an event that asks guests to wear ‘traveling attire?'”

Okay, Google, I call bullshit. I may not know much about southern manners, but I’m reasonably certain that showing up topless in a swim cap is not going to work out.