Okay team, I have a serious task for you. I am bewildered. I need your advice.

I have a rather fancy party to go to on Saturday. As in, tomorrow. (This is exciting, and also a little ridiculous. My sister, who is also attending, commented yesterday that this is “threatening to turn into as much of a production as the prom,” and she is totally right. I mean, I can’t believe that Jim is insisting on bringing that tramp Jenny, when everyone knows that she’s just going to get falling down drunk and someone is going to end up spending part of the evening holding her hair back.)

Ahem. Anyway, this party is “black tie encouraged,” whatever the hell that means. As best I can tell, this means they would like to make it “black tie,” but realize that many of the people attending are unlikely to own a tux, so are willing to let you in with a nice suit rather than make you hit up After Hours for a rental.

I found this cute dress on super sale and was all psyched to wear it (it is not so blurry in real life):

I own one pair of fancy party shoes. They look like this:

I will alert you to the following key facts:

  1. This dress is short (but I totally have the legs to pull it off. Love sack dresses- hide bubble gut, show off oddly skinny bird legs! Finally, a style made for me!)
  2. These shoes are open-toed
  3. The weather in Chicago currently looks something like this:
  4. The color of my legs is currently something like this:
  5. My sister and mother both insist that wearing a short dress without pantyhose to a black tie event is “too casual,” and I will “stick out like a sore thumb.”
  6. Wearing pantyhose with open-toed shoes is, in my humble opinion a HORRIBLE THING NEVER TO BE DONE EVER EW EW EW.
  7. I went Payless to try find a cute pair of closed-toed fancy shoes that would enable me to wear pantyhose and came up short.
  8. Self tanner has long terrified me after a very bad oompa loompa experience with self tanner in high school.



Your options are:

A. Wear the cute new dress and the shoes I already own, say “eff that” to my sisterly/motherly advice on whether I will be too casual, skip the pantyhose and slap some self tanner on those legs to prevent snow blindness in the other party guests who happen to see my legs. (If you choose this option, you should also recommend a good self tanner, if you know one. See item 8, supra.)

B. Wear the cute new dress and spring for new closed-toed shoes so I can wear stockings, accepting the fact that the new shoes will inevitably cost more than $15 because Payless has failed me.

C. Return the cute new dress to the store and instead wear the only long dress I already own, which is several years old, doesn’t fit all that well, and is a decidedly spring-y shade of mint green, but which I can easily wear with open-toed shoes without risk of appearing too casual since my dress would be long, not short, and no one would be scandalized by the sight of bare legs at an almost-black-tie event.

D. Wear the cute new dress with the shoes I already own and with sandalfoot pantyhose, which my mother insists you can “hardly see” with open-toed shoes. (Hint: this is the WRONG ANSWER.)

    You can leave your vote in the comments. I will do whatever the majority of you tell me to do. I will take pictures to prove it. I will be forever in your debt.