Once in your lifetime, you may be lucky enough to land tickets to the SuperBowl when your beloved hometown team is playing. If you are really lucky, that SuperBowl will be in Miami, which is notably warmer than your hometown in February.

You may, in preparation for your trip to Miami, be tempted to go to Mystic Tan to try to look less pasty. You may also fear plantar warts, and decide to wear the booties the Mystic Tan people offer you to avoid the wart risk. As my sister will tell you, this is a bad idea. Booties: bad.

bootie tan
After a few anxious days in Miami, where you are forced to calm your nerves with excessive mojito consumption, it will finally be game day. You will get in the car and start driving to the game.

There will be traffic.


The traffic will be so bad, in fact, that if you started drinking beer at 9am, you may find yourself stuck on the freeway offramp in something of a bathroom emergency. Fortunately, Florida highways feature high reeds on the side of the road, which will help you feel discreet.

Potty Break

Then you will feel better.


You will finally arrive at the stadium. You will marvel at how much turquoise there is. Turquoise signs, turquoise seat cushions, turquoise beer cups. Even the stadim appears to have been wrapped in turquoise plastic wrap. Very, very turquoise.


You will grab beers and find seats just in time to see a very strange Cirque du Soleil show featuring alligator balloons. Confusing.


The team will come out in a blaze of glory. You will cheer wildly. You will try to take pictures of their dramatic entrance, but they will all look like cloudy fogs of smoke. Stupid pyrotechnics. You will give up and take a picture of the JumboTron, because it is not obscured by smoke.


Finally, game time. You will watch, rapt, as the kickoff lofts through the air, Hester catches it, runs, twists, rolls, breaks a tackle holy crap it’s just him and the kicker oh my god he’s broken through run back kickoff for touchdown pandemoneum!

There will be no picture of this because you are lucky to have even survived the insane celebration that ensued.

Sadly, that will be the highlight of the game. Things will slow down. There will be approximately 432 t.v. timeouts, and since those in the stadium don’t get to see the famous commercials, it will give you an opportunity to take faux-artsy pictures with your new camera. Your father will mock you mercilessly for taking faux-arsty pictures at a football game.


Then it will be halftime. Prince will come out in a do-rag and swagger and strut his way through an amazing halftime show.


Oddly, he will be backed by a glow in the dark marching band. Not surprisingly, they are also turquoise.


The second half will be too grim to photograph. Losing? It is sad.
But that play? That first play? Will make it all worth it. Because if you’re lucky enough, once in your lifetime, to go see your hometown team play in the SuperBowl in Miami, the trip will definitely be making an appearance on your lifetime highlight reel.